School Girl got a ton of presents at lunchtime; a couple of big craft-type presents, some Hannah Montana things (hey, she’s 8), some books and a couple of other things besides. She got to spend some time alone with M for the first time – once in the arcade, and once doing something else which escapes my memory at the moment. Like I said, School Girl had a blast.

I’m glad, honestly, that M feels able to spend time with School Girl, just the two of them. I have to admit I was a bit nervous – and in other exciting news, water is wet – but everything was fine. It was a big deal for School Girl. I’m not sure how it was for M. There are still some things I’m afraid to bring up. We did talk a little bit about how things were for her on School Girl’s birthday. She was better, at least good enough to talk to School Girl on the phone this time, but not great. Understandably.

It was pretty quiet on the way home; K and I were beat, and School Girl fell asleep once or twice on the trip back, but I think everybody had a good time.

School Girl’s having a birthday party with just a few friends, like she did for the past 2 years. This time I think there will be more kids; of the five that we invited, four actually called and/or emailed and said that, barring illness or 3′ of snow, they would be there. I ordered the cake last week, and we’re having pizza for dinner as well. School Girl actually came up with a couple of themed games herself, which was pretty great. She even offered to help me put them together tomorrow after school. (Tonight she needs to get moving on her presentation – you don’t want to know.) I think we’re watching a concert video somewhere in there, which should all easily fit in two hours or so.

I’m getting a little freaked out about our visit this weekend. We usually have a visit around School Girl’s birthday, but never this close to the actual date. (At one point I had thought about canceling the party all together and just going down to visit for a couple of days, but that was voted down.) There is some question as to whether everybody who has said they’ll be there will show up. I’m hoping they will, for School Girl’s sake, but I don’t count on other people anymore. I have no control over anyone but myself (and an increasingly limited control over School Girl). The only thing I can hope for is that School Girl has a fun time with her family.

By the way, Heather at Production, Not Reproduction has put up another OAB Roundtable question that might fit in with this. I can’t bring myself to write about that this round. There are a lot of other, better writers over there that will be writing; go over and have a look.

We talked a little about what she likes now. She’s discovered reading in a big way. She reads chapter books at night, after K or I read to her at bedtime. She loves girly things. Right now we’re having a battle over makeup. She gets to wear nail polish, but she’s been asking for other makeup things. But anyway.

C has been having a tough time; understandably, considering what she’s gone through these past 6 months. We talked a little about how hard this time of year is for them. I’m hoping that M will be okay with even seeing School Girl the day after, but I won’t be surprised if she can’t do it. Disappointed, certainly. Not surprised.

I will be pissed off if there’s heavy snow next weekend, but that’s the only thing I’m stressing over.

We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don’t want the same level of openness. First mothers who don’t get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child’s first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don’t often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can’t agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

* It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
* Or a first mother isn’t ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby’s life.
* Maybe a spouse isn’t supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
* Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn’t comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
* And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

we have a mostly-but-not-quite-all-the-way-open adoption at present. School Girl’s first mother and her family have had what most people would call an open adoption arrangement with us from almost the beginning. By “open” I mean we shared identifying information (not everything right away; that’s what happens when you listen too much to other people), we sent cards, letters and pictures (to be honest, we shared pictures on a reciprocal basis only with M’s parents; the only time School Girl receives anything at all from M is when she feels able to visit), and the at least annual visit. We have only met School Girl’s paternal aunt and have no information at all about her first father’s family other than his first name, a brief autobiography, and two brief meetings with him around the time of School Girl’s placement. Anyway.

Our extended family and our social worker were…less than enthusiastic about sharing identifying information with School Girl’s other family. We were told by our social worker to not write our names on sent mail, only our return addresses. We were also advised not to give out our home phone number, which would show our names on their Caller ID; only to meet at neutral locations, preferably with a “uninterested third party” present at all times during the meeting; and never ever to invite them to our home. In short, we were discouraged from opening up our adoption at all. Being the contrarian I am, it made me both determined to open our adoption further and scared as hell to do so.

Our family…I’m a little more reluctant to talk about our extended family and their responses to our adoption. Suffice it to say that there have been very few instances of actual support for adoption in general from certain people, and even less support for any attempts at closeness with School Girl’s other family. Having said all that, I can tell you that my sister has been the one person who has been the most supportive about adoption in general. While she still has questions about our relationship with M and C, she’s at least willing to educate herself about open adoptions. I’ll leave it at that.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

I’ve been thinking about this since our last visit with M&C. A couple of things come to mind:

• I want to be better about sending more regular emails and letters. Yesterday was a good start – I added C & M’s email addresses to a mass picture email. Not the hugest pictures in the world – just a couple of pictures from one of School Girl’s afterschool activities – but it’s a start. I should say that I do send pictures and cards on a regular basis, and that I am horrible when it comes to sending anyone anything. Cards, letters, emails; you name it, I’m notoriously bad about sending it on time.
• Now that School Girl’s getting older, I want her to have a bigger hand in sending communications. Especially pictures and/or letters. She’s been selecting what pictures are sent for a couple of years now, but I’d like her to start actually writing letters to go with the packages. Just like with any of her other relatives.
• I need to learn to let go. Just let go of the expectations that I had at the beginning. We can be a happy family with whoever wants to join us. I can’t control who decides to be a part of this and who doesn’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t. All I can do is to keep the relationships that we have going, and keep the door open for whoever else can bring themselves to walk through. Which is both sufficiently vague to suit me and tells whoever happens to be reading exactly what they need to know.

There are some other things I’ve resolved to do this year, but they’re not really adoption-related. So that’s enough for now.