Money had a lot to do with our initial interest in foster-care adoption. We were eventually (actually, K was eventually) talked into a domestic infant adoption; we had never even considered that, because we didn’t think we would qualify financially. I suspect strongly, but don’t know for certain, that money contributed to M’s choosing an adoptive placement for School Girl.

I know that the times when M was out of work were times that we didn’t see or hear from her. I know that now when she’s been working regularly, we have seen more of her. Which is a good thing, honestly.

Money played a huge, huge part in our not adopting a second time. Part of the reason was our ages, but a large part was that we simply couldn’t afford having another round of baby things – diapers, formula, things like that. I didn’t work at a job during the time School Girl was younger, and when K was “transitioning between employers” we really couldn’t afford another person. I know that was a big deal for M. We have never talked about that, but I suspect it was a disappointment for her. Even if we had chosen to adopt from foster care, it still would have been difficult financially for us. Certainly right now.

My interview subject was Kelsey Stewart from The Birth Mother Voice. She is a first mother who has an open adoption with 3 of her children and is raising 2 sons with her husband. She is also the author of a children’s book about adoption written from a first parent’s perspective, The Best For You. I’ve really enjoyed reading her blog. Right now she’s doing a series about her parents, her mother, and the birth and placements of her first 3 children. It’s incredible, lovely stuff.

And now, my interview with Kelsey:

1. I know that you have both placed children and a child that you’re raising. Have they met each other? How did you handle discussing that with the kids?
My daughter met my son Bodde when he was an infant, but there has been no direct contact since then. The twins have not met our family yet. My children now, two boys 10 and 6, have always known that I have other children and they understand that they have two older brothers that do not live with them. I never hid anything from my children and I am honest about their questions. They love my book and I think that reading it, and knowing that their mother wrote it, makes them very proud and they understand that adoption can be a good thing for everyone involved. They have asked some very tough questions, but they always understand that I did what I thought was best for my other children at the time. They are anxious to meet their siblings, but know that it may be some time before that happens. They are not at all shy about talking about it, matter of fact they explain our story quite well to others. You know kids, they can see things in a much different light than adults.

2. Do all of your children have memories of your mom? (There’s a reason beyond general nosiness that I’m asking)
No. My daughter was fortunate enough have spent time with her. She has very fond memories of my mother and tells me often how much my mother meant to her. Unfortunately, my mother died one month after my son Bodde was born. Chase came three years after him, so neither one of them knew her. They know about her, what kind of person she was because all of our family talks about her still to this day. My boys know that she meant a great deal to me and they are so sweet, they tell me all the time how proud my mom would have been of me now.

3. Something that’s been on my mind recently: What are your thoughts on federal rules for adoption, including legally enforceable openness agreements and better post-adoption counseling for both adoptive and first parents?
This is a good question all though it is a rather loaded one. I think a huge problem with adoption as a whole lies within the justice system and laws that surround it. I know that there are many adoptees out there who need to know information about their beginnings and medical history. I also know that there are many birth parents out there who were promised that their information would never be released without their consent. I think it is a travisty that there cannot be a middle ground here. I believe that an adoptee has a fundamental right to their original birth certificate because as Americans, they have a constitutional right to that information. But, I do not believe that that information should be released based on what someone NOW is making into law. It is a double edged sword that I do not think will be resolved anytime soon. It seems to me that there are far too many who work in the system who do not understand adoption and a big majority of them may be biased about the subject. If there was a better understanding of adoption in our society, then there could be real advancements made to improve the process for all involved. Right now, I think there are far too many people involved in the law making process and all those opinions are hindering the advancements that could be made.

I believe that after counseling is the key to helping deal with the loss of a child and the gain of a mother who an adoptive couple will be forever linked to. Think about it, there are rehabs for all kinds of problems: alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex addiction, depression, etc. Have you ever seen a place that was solely designed to help birth parents deal with life after their child is gone? Not one. Sure there are homes set up to house them during their pregnancies, but the lack of care and help after baby is born is almost non existant in this country. It astounds me that no one thinks of that. That these new parents are left to deal with a loss so profound our society cannot even offer help. I want those laws to change and I want to see more attention given to the courageous people who do place their children for adoption. If there was more support I think you would see adoption rates rise and many more healthy birth parents living lives without shame.

4. What got you started writing?
Well, I wrote my children’s book just as a gift for my daughter. Once she received it she encouraged me to share it with the world. Once I self published the book, I received some great advice from a publisher that I should start blogging to get my voice out there. Once I started, I could not stop. It has been a very healing and insightful endevour so far. I am humbled everyday by people who contact me thanking me for being so honest about my journey. If you ask my husband, he would say that I write too much. But that is just because my house is not as organized as it used to be….before the keyboard became my muse.

5. What are your 3 favorite things about living in California?
The landscape always astounds me, the camping is limitless…and I am only a 5 hour drive from Las Vegas, Nevada! I have a thing for Vegas, such a great city to explore.

6. How did you get started watching hockey? What team/s do you follow?
I bleed blue, as in St. Louis Blues. I had a great friend in grade school who was a hockey nut. She had a notebook full of stats, names, teams…it was fascinating. When I watched my first game I was impressed at how incredibly well those guys skated! Once I saw my first game live, in the Checkerdome in St.Louis I was hooked! Nothing like a live hockey game.

Go read more over at The Birth Mother’s Voice.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

I’ve been thinking about this since our last visit with M&C. A couple of things come to mind:

• I want to be better about sending more regular emails and letters. Yesterday was a good start – I added C & M’s email addresses to a mass picture email. Not the hugest pictures in the world – just a couple of pictures from one of School Girl’s afterschool activities – but it’s a start. I should say that I do send pictures and cards on a regular basis, and that I am horrible when it comes to sending anyone anything. Cards, letters, emails; you name it, I’m notoriously bad about sending it on time.
• Now that School Girl’s getting older, I want her to have a bigger hand in sending communications. Especially pictures and/or letters. She’s been selecting what pictures are sent for a couple of years now, but I’d like her to start actually writing letters to go with the packages. Just like with any of her other relatives.
• I need to learn to let go. Just let go of the expectations that I had at the beginning. We can be a happy family with whoever wants to join us. I can’t control who decides to be a part of this and who doesn’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t. All I can do is to keep the relationships that we have going, and keep the door open for whoever else can bring themselves to walk through. Which is both sufficiently vague to suit me and tells whoever happens to be reading exactly what they need to know.

There are some other things I’ve resolved to do this year, but they’re not really adoption-related. So that’s enough for now.

This is a topic that is very timely for me (Thanksgivingmom) right now, but is something that all of us in open adoption deal with at least once during the year: birthdays.

I know that birthdays can be an extremely emotional time, for everyone connected to adoption, not just those of us in open adoptions. So what is it that we do, as part of our open adoptions, during the “birthday season”?

Our experiences on this are so diverse, that I don’t want to limit your responses to one specific question. BUT, since some of us (like me!) sometimes like the specific questions, here are a few that have been rattling around in my brain as my daughter’s third birthday approaches:

* What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
* What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
* Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
* How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
* If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
* If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
* How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
* And anything else you can think of!

Here goes.

Birthdays have been a difficult time for all of us, both at our home and (I understand) School Girl’s first family’s home. We’ve had some contact with M during that time (some of our visits were scheduled near her birthday, but not on her actual birthday) but more with M’s parents C & J (just C now).

Ever since School Girl has been able to use the phone for more than a handy teething toy, we’ve had phone calls from C & J. Well, mostly C. I think M has called one or two years, but didn’t this year. Winter in Colorado has affected our plans to visit on School Girl’s actual birthday; the weather is unpredictable, and we’ve had to reschedule visits before that happen around her birthday.

Our open adoption agreement didn’t mention birthdays specifically; just the number of times we were going to have visits during the first year, and how often we would send letters and pictures. Sometimes I wish it had. More often now that School Girl is older, I will admit.

As far as parties go, check the post below. We weren’t present at School Girl’s birth, but we do have pictures in her lifebook that show the time she was in the hospital with her family. Every so often she and I look at them, but I try not to limit that to birthdays.