We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don’t want the same level of openness. First mothers who don’t get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child’s first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don’t often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can’t agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

* It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
* Or a first mother isn’t ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby’s life.
* Maybe a spouse isn’t supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
* Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn’t comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
* And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

we have a mostly-but-not-quite-all-the-way-open adoption at present. School Girl’s first mother and her family have had what most people would call an open adoption arrangement with us from almost the beginning. By “open” I mean we shared identifying information (not everything right away; that’s what happens when you listen too much to other people), we sent cards, letters and pictures (to be honest, we shared pictures on a reciprocal basis only with M’s parents; the only time School Girl receives anything at all from M is when she feels able to visit), and the at least annual visit. We have only met School Girl’s paternal aunt and have no information at all about her first father’s family other than his first name, a brief autobiography, and two brief meetings with him around the time of School Girl’s placement. Anyway.

Our extended family and our social worker were…less than enthusiastic about sharing identifying information with School Girl’s other family. We were told by our social worker to not write our names on sent mail, only our return addresses. We were also advised not to give out our home phone number, which would show our names on their Caller ID; only to meet at neutral locations, preferably with a “uninterested third party” present at all times during the meeting; and never ever to invite them to our home. In short, we were discouraged from opening up our adoption at all. Being the contrarian I am, it made me both determined to open our adoption further and scared as hell to do so.

Our family…I’m a little more reluctant to talk about our extended family and their responses to our adoption. Suffice it to say that there have been very few instances of actual support for adoption in general from certain people, and even less support for any attempts at closeness with School Girl’s other family. Having said all that, I can tell you that my sister has been the one person who has been the most supportive about adoption in general. While she still has questions about our relationship with M and C, she’s at least willing to educate herself about open adoptions. I’ll leave it at that.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

I’ve been thinking about this since our last visit with M&C. A couple of things come to mind:

• I want to be better about sending more regular emails and letters. Yesterday was a good start – I added C & M’s email addresses to a mass picture email. Not the hugest pictures in the world – just a couple of pictures from one of School Girl’s afterschool activities – but it’s a start. I should say that I do send pictures and cards on a regular basis, and that I am horrible when it comes to sending anyone anything. Cards, letters, emails; you name it, I’m notoriously bad about sending it on time.
• Now that School Girl’s getting older, I want her to have a bigger hand in sending communications. Especially pictures and/or letters. She’s been selecting what pictures are sent for a couple of years now, but I’d like her to start actually writing letters to go with the packages. Just like with any of her other relatives.
• I need to learn to let go. Just let go of the expectations that I had at the beginning. We can be a happy family with whoever wants to join us. I can’t control who decides to be a part of this and who doesn’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t. All I can do is to keep the relationships that we have going, and keep the door open for whoever else can bring themselves to walk through. Which is both sufficiently vague to suit me and tells whoever happens to be reading exactly what they need to know.

There are some other things I’ve resolved to do this year, but they’re not really adoption-related. So that’s enough for now.

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Last week School Girl and I went to MN to visit my parents, my sister and her kids, and Mostcurious. Evil Daddy couldn’t be there this time; mostly new job uncertainty that led to not being able to buy tickets on time, like when we all could have afforded them. This was School Girl’s and my first trip together without him.

It was a pretty good visit. Much less awful that I had anticipated, and a lot more busy. The kids really had missed each other; they played together every waking second that my sister’s kids weren’t in school, and had a 2nd grader’s Dream Day on Saturday. On the bright side, I got pizza and someone else to do the dishes last night…

We went to the “Eflland” holiday display at their big downtown Macy’s one night, and stayed for the big Electric Light Parade. Then we had the Screaming Kids Day, and the next day I met Mostcurious.

This was my first time meeting somebody that I’d only knew online. I’m not sure if she enjoyed it or not, but I had a great time meeting her. It’s probably the most I’ve ever talked when meeting someone new. We visited 2 different yarn stores – and yes, they were very, very different. I actually bought some sock yarn for the kids at the first store, which was beautiful and inviting. They even had roving and wheels, which I tried to avoid even looking at while we were there. Because looking leads to way more fiber in the basement than we have now. The second store was pretty beautiful in its own way. I can honestly say I’ve never seen that much yarn in that small a space in person. Next time I will bring the needles along wherever I go. Mostcurious was really, really great to talk to. I’m eagerly awaiting the results of her camera assignment – it makes me giggle whenever I think of it now.

Most of our visit was spent with our family. As visits go, it was pretty good. No major drama, except for one of my nieces having a meltdown over her cousin leaving. It made me realize that I do miss spending holidays with them, especially the winter ones. since the beginning of time, humans have willed the sun to come back into the sky at the darkest, coldest time of year. Here in the Nothern Hemisphere, that would be the Winter Solstice, which is well on its way. It’s no surprise that most of the world’s religions have a midwinter party/celebration of some kind.

When I think back about Christmases in my childhood, I remember spending time with family. That’s what I want School Girl to remember. Not all the rest of it that seems to go with it, certainly here in the US – not putting money into some church’s kettle, not going to church, not really setting up a nativity creche, although I know my grandparents had one. Being with family.

In all of School Girl’s life, her family will be the ones that she can turn to no matter what happens. I want School Girl to know all of her family, both her birth family and all of us. Some might not be too enthusiastic about the prospect. But that’s their loss, not ours – and I won’t make it hers either.

No matter what you’re celebrating, I hope you enjoy the family that surrounds you, whether they’re your family by birth or creation. Happy holidays.

Happy Veteran’s/Armistice Day. It’s not just a federal holiday. Ask a veteran near you, or in your own family, what Veteran’s/Armistice Day means to them.