I need to break the news to M and C. We’ll probably see them next weekend, so there’s that. I’m not surprised, just disappointed. I had hoped things had changed out East. Apparently not enough.

As the three of you who read this know, i am not a lawyer. I love reading about the law and court cases, but other than that… So take the following comments for exactly what they’re worth.

Mr. Charles Cooper, one of the lawyers for the defendants, did an ineffective job in the closing statements, in my personal opinion. A couple of things that stood out to me, which the judge questioned him about in detail:

Cooper made the argument that marriage is both designed for procreation only and to discourage “irresponsible procreation”.

THE COURT:
to marriage to people their own.
MR. COOPER:
It does not insist –
THE COURT:
But the state doesn’t withhold the right who are unable to produce children of their own.
MR. COOPER:
That’s true, your Honor, it does not.
THE COURT:
Are you suggesting that the state should, to fulfill the purpose of marriage that you have described?
MR. COOPER:
No, sir, your Honor. It is by no means a necessary — a necessary condition or a necessary requirement to fulfilling the state’s interests in naturally potentially procreative sexual relationships.
THE COURT:
Well, then, the state must have some interest wholly apart from procreation.
MR. COOPER:
It doesn’t necessarily follow that that is true…

Therefore, as an infertile woman married to a man, we should get a divorce immediately. Mr. Cooper, I thank you and my soon-to-be-ex-husband thanks you.

On the subject of marriage, and why it should only be for opposite sex couples (Cooper’s point), I especially liked this quote from Judge Walker:

THE COURT: Parental responsibilities don’t depend upon how the child came into the world. Parental responsibilities extend to adoptive parents who had nothing to do with the creation of the child physically. They extend to in-laws and grandparents and a host of other people who are not involved in any way in the — at least directly, in the creation of this child as a human being.

Judge Walker asked a lot of questions, bringing Mr. Cooper continually back to the trial, to the witnesses, to defend his position. I was impressed enough to think at the time:
No mater what happens, at least it’ll be fair.

The judge was equally inquisitive with Mr Olson, arguing for the plaintiffs. All of the judge’s questions seemed, to me at least, to show that he was paying attention, that he took this case extremely seriously, and didn’t consider his verdict to be a foregone conclusion – no matter what his verdict/written opinion turns out to be.

There was also the sense that they were all talking to the inevitable chain of courts leading to the US Supreme Court. As of 10:30 MDT today, Judge Walker has not issued his opinion and verdict.

Cross posted to my Square State diary.

There was supposed to be an entrustment ceremony. It went on anyway, as it had been planned, without M and S there. There were a lot of religious things going on that I found…problematic, to say the least. But we didn’t have any say in how that was prepared, and rightfully so. School Girl’s foster family made a fancy luncheon, and we stayed for a little while after signing the final placement contract and other papers. Then we went home. The three of us. Off to become a family.

There are some things I would have done differently. Some were up to me, and some weren’t. But I would never, ever change the outcome. Not ever.

We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don’t want the same level of openness. First mothers who don’t get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child’s first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don’t often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can’t agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

* It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
* Or a first mother isn’t ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby’s life.
* Maybe a spouse isn’t supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
* Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn’t comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
* And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

we have a mostly-but-not-quite-all-the-way-open adoption at present. School Girl’s first mother and her family have had what most people would call an open adoption arrangement with us from almost the beginning. By “open” I mean we shared identifying information (not everything right away; that’s what happens when you listen too much to other people), we sent cards, letters and pictures (to be honest, we shared pictures on a reciprocal basis only with M’s parents; the only time School Girl receives anything at all from M is when she feels able to visit), and the at least annual visit. We have only met School Girl’s paternal aunt and have no information at all about her first father’s family other than his first name, a brief autobiography, and two brief meetings with him around the time of School Girl’s placement. Anyway.

Our extended family and our social worker were…less than enthusiastic about sharing identifying information with School Girl’s other family. We were told by our social worker to not write our names on sent mail, only our return addresses. We were also advised not to give out our home phone number, which would show our names on their Caller ID; only to meet at neutral locations, preferably with a “uninterested third party” present at all times during the meeting; and never ever to invite them to our home. In short, we were discouraged from opening up our adoption at all. Being the contrarian I am, it made me both determined to open our adoption further and scared as hell to do so.

Our family…I’m a little more reluctant to talk about our extended family and their responses to our adoption. Suffice it to say that there have been very few instances of actual support for adoption in general from certain people, and even less support for any attempts at closeness with School Girl’s other family. Having said all that, I can tell you that my sister has been the one person who has been the most supportive about adoption in general. While she still has questions about our relationship with M and C, she’s at least willing to educate herself about open adoptions. I’ll leave it at that.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

I’ve been thinking about this since our last visit with M&C. A couple of things come to mind:

• I want to be better about sending more regular emails and letters. Yesterday was a good start – I added C & M’s email addresses to a mass picture email. Not the hugest pictures in the world – just a couple of pictures from one of School Girl’s afterschool activities – but it’s a start. I should say that I do send pictures and cards on a regular basis, and that I am horrible when it comes to sending anyone anything. Cards, letters, emails; you name it, I’m notoriously bad about sending it on time.
• Now that School Girl’s getting older, I want her to have a bigger hand in sending communications. Especially pictures and/or letters. She’s been selecting what pictures are sent for a couple of years now, but I’d like her to start actually writing letters to go with the packages. Just like with any of her other relatives.
• I need to learn to let go. Just let go of the expectations that I had at the beginning. We can be a happy family with whoever wants to join us. I can’t control who decides to be a part of this and who doesn’t. I can’t, and I shouldn’t. All I can do is to keep the relationships that we have going, and keep the door open for whoever else can bring themselves to walk through. Which is both sufficiently vague to suit me and tells whoever happens to be reading exactly what they need to know.

There are some other things I’ve resolved to do this year, but they’re not really adoption-related. So that’s enough for now.