School Girl decided that she wanted to go to the aquarium in town. We always enjoy that, even if it is a little pricey, so K and I agreed. The aquarium’s changed a lot, a couple of things for the better (lots more stuff to do outside while you’re waiting in the humungo ticket line), but mostly not. We all had a pretty good time just the same.

Later on we went home and spent the rest of the day hanging around the house. Watching videos, working out in the yard (School Girl is loving yard work), making pizza. Like a real family.

Next weekend we’re supposed to see M again (I think – she hasn’t returned our call yet). But this weekend was for us.

First, where the hell was her US agency? Did she have to go through parenting classes for children with special needs? Was she advised of the benefits of seeking psychiatric help for the entire family (including the child’s grandmother, if they were indeed living with her), not just “seeking advice from a psychologist”. Why is the Russian agency/orphanage blameless in all this? I suspect if everybody had been honest about the extent of Artyom’s mental issues, he would never have been placed with a single, inexperienced mum.

I also wonder if she truly understands what adoption means. When an adoption is finalized, you are that child’s parent. Period. No do-overs, no backsies. No giving up and giving that kid back when things are tough. (Somebody remind me of that when we get to the Happy Teenage Years, m’kay?)

I’ve also been thinking of Artyom. He’s learned a lot in his 7 years. He’s learned that an orphanage, no matter how awful, is far safer and preferable to a home. (Apparently, he was removed from his birth family because of his mother’s neglect.) He’s also learned that if you need things to be safe, and not scary – and how can living in a new country thousands of miles from everything you’ve ever known, where nobody speaks your language, not be scary? – all you have to do is misbehave. Test, if you will. Kids test in all sorts of ways; running away, setting fires, hitting, biting, swearing. You get what I mean. He’s learned exactly what he has to do to get back into that nice, safe orphanage.

And, as other people more eloquent than myself have said, at least he’s still alive. There are Russian adoptees who weren’t quite as lucky.

We had a visit with M & C today. It was the first time either of them have been to the house. Ever. I was a little anxious. In other news, the ocean is really wet and really big…

The visit went okay. M looks good; she seems a lot happier, and she got to spend quite a bit of time with School Girl. C’s doing okay, about as well as can be expected. They had a wonderful time visiting with School Girl (at least I think they did), and she was beside herself with joy at being able to show them her room, some of her school papers, her letter to Santa – just all of her life that goes on here at home. We went out to lunch at our local pizzeria, came home so that School Girl could open her presents, and said goodbye.

Like I said, the visit was okay. At least I think so; it was kind of hard to tell, since C is very good at hiding anything other than a happy face and M keeps her thoughts to herself. There was some of my usual thing of hiding while everybody else is visiting, but not as much as before. I still have the feeling that these visits are for School Girl, and I don’t really need to be or are wanted there, but it’s lessened a little. Just a little.

It was great to see School Girl together with her family. Yes, we’re her family too, but it’s not the same.

Anyway, Heather started the Open Adoption Roundtable yesterday. It’s basically like a carnival, with a topic/question as a writing prompt. This one’s pretty big:

What one thing would you tell your past self about open adoption, if you could? It might be a word of encouragement, a warning, or just an admonishment to lighten up already. Be as creative as you wish.

Well, here goes…

There are a couple of things that came to mind right away. The first one we learned early on, and it’s this: Open adoption is threatening to a lot of people. There are a lot of misconceptions as to what “open adoption” actually means. People, including adoption professionals, will tell you a lot of things. Many of them are not true. Practice the following phrase in a mirror, with as big and happy a smile as you can manage.

“That’s so sweet of you to worry about us. But we’ll be fine. Thanks so much! You’re just so sweet!” As soon as they leave, realize this:

• You aren’t the only one who’s having nonsense shoved into their ears. In your heart, you already know whether or not what you’re hearing is nonsense.
• As long as you’re a parent, there is a choice you’ll have to make between love and fear. Unless there is good reason for concern about a party having access to a child, it’s always better to err on the side of love.

The other thing I would say is…just like in any beginning relationship, you’re dealing with people you don’t know very well. It won’t be all sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. Be prepared to deal. Find a support group, either online or IRL. For many reasons, IRL is usually better, but we don’t always have that available to us. If we had been aware at the outset that things might be shaky over the years, it would have been easier to deal. Or not, but at least our eyes would have been more open.

Incidentally, I have a lot of things to say about the subject of a proactive approach in a social worker’s dealings with birth families, but that’s another rant for another day. Some of you know me well and already know what I have to say – for now, that’ll do.

Last, and most importantly, don’t beat yourself up because your adoption doesn’t look like everybody else’s on The Internets. It won’t. It shouldn’t. First of all, people tend to talk about the happy and shiny on their blogs and leave the messy parts out. You know, like in real life. Second, no one person’s life is the same as anybody else’s – why should adoption be any different?

That’s about it. I wish somebody had said that all to Evil Dad and me when we first started.

This time we went to the art museum. It was the first time we had been to the new wing since it opened. Everybody had a great time. School Girl had a lot of fun. C & J seemed to have a lot of fun as well. We learned some new things about J’s family in particular, which were interesting (impressive too – his brother is a pretty amazing woodcarver, and we got to hear the story about how he got his professional start). We spent an hour or two there, then went off to lunch and then home.

Our visits are a lot more relaxed, on both sides, than they had been. I’m not feeling quite as defensive, which helps a lot. I hope things continue to go well with our visits; I really believe it’s in School Girl’s best interest that we maintain a connection to whatever parts of her family are willing to be in contact with us. It was the anniversary of when M first met us, and I thought about that on the way home.