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New Rose – Rachel Sweet
Riot Gear – Regina Spektor
Manic Monday – The Bangles
Stripped – Depeche Mode
The Desperate Kingdom of Love – PJ Harvey
Dead River – Lydia Lunch
Crown and Miter – Sepultura
Many Rivers to Cross – Jimmy Cliff
Still Flame – Sepultura
Hi, Y’all – Sly and the Family Stone

We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don’t want the same level of openness. First mothers who don’t get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child’s first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don’t often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can’t agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

* It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
* Or a first mother isn’t ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby’s life.
* Maybe a spouse isn’t supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
* Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn’t comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
* And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

we have a mostly-but-not-quite-all-the-way-open adoption at present. School Girl’s first mother and her family have had what most people would call an open adoption arrangement with us from almost the beginning. By “open” I mean we shared identifying information (not everything right away; that’s what happens when you listen too much to other people), we sent cards, letters and pictures (to be honest, we shared pictures on a reciprocal basis only with M’s parents; the only time School Girl receives anything at all from M is when she feels able to visit), and the at least annual visit. We have only met School Girl’s paternal aunt and have no information at all about her first father’s family other than his first name, a brief autobiography, and two brief meetings with him around the time of School Girl’s placement. Anyway.

Our extended family and our social worker were…less than enthusiastic about sharing identifying information with School Girl’s other family. We were told by our social worker to not write our names on sent mail, only our return addresses. We were also advised not to give out our home phone number, which would show our names on their Caller ID; only to meet at neutral locations, preferably with a “uninterested third party” present at all times during the meeting; and never ever to invite them to our home. In short, we were discouraged from opening up our adoption at all. Being the contrarian I am, it made me both determined to open our adoption further and scared as hell to do so.

Our family…I’m a little more reluctant to talk about our extended family and their responses to our adoption. Suffice it to say that there have been very few instances of actual support for adoption in general from certain people, and even less support for any attempts at closeness with School Girl’s other family. Having said all that, I can tell you that my sister has been the one person who has been the most supportive about adoption in general. While she still has questions about our relationship with M and C, she’s at least willing to educate herself about open adoptions. I’ll leave it at that.

Birthday Season usually starts about 4-5 weeks before School Girl’s birthday, and ends sometime around our “family day” 6 weeks later. I love it because we normally make a big deal about School Girl’s birthday. In the past it’s usually involved a party for her friends, a dinner of her choice and cake if her party’s not on her actual birthday, a ton of birthday phone calls, and presents. Oh, and a trip to the Most Expensive Teddy Bear Store in the Whole Damn World.

See the first thing on that list? That’s why I get queasy. For the past 2 years we’ve had birthday parties, here at home for a limited number of guests, with varying degrees of success. Last year was the toughest, as School Girl’s BFF couldn’t be there. She still had fun, as did the kids that were here. Of course, the first year had the Pinata From Hell. The one that should have come with a machete for easy opening. None of us, including the two adults at the party, could open the damn thing; I had to get out a kitchen knife and cut it open, making for some good times.

Most of School Girl’s family calls her for her birthday, either on the day or the day after. My parents and my sister (well, last year her daughters and School Girl did most of the talking), K’s brother’s wife, and C. M has called…I want to say twice, possibly? I don’t think it’s been any more times than that. Not on her birthday. I know it’s a difficult time for M. I do. But I think School Girl misses her on that day. Just to talk to her for a few minutes on any day is a big deal, and we try to encourage that. She’s never said that she’s upset when M doesn’t call, but sometimes I wonder.

This year C has said that she’d like to do something with School Girl. I’ve brought it up once or twice, and it’s not gotten a good reception. Part of it has to do with her party – she wants to have it on the Saturday after her birthday, so that she can have a longer party. I thought it would be good to visit C on that Saturday, and she’s fighting that. There is one other solution, but I need to talk to School Girl before I bring it up with everyone else involved.