Aug
22
On Wednesday, while School Girl and Best Friend Bear were having a sleepover, we got a phone call. It was from C. I took it outside right after I mentioned what’s been happening here, and got complete silence on the phone.
When she said, “I’ve got some bad news…not sure how to say this…” – just for a second, I thought something had happened to M. I never expected that it would be something else.
J, her husband, M’s dad and School Girl’s grandfather, died on Sunday.
M was very close to her father and is devastated. When C called, M was out with some friends; the first time she’d been out of the house since Sunday, except to go back and forth to work. She’s made huge progress in recovery – I hope this doesn’t set her back. I feel terribly now that we encouraged School Girl to call and wish her a happy birthday – it could have either made things better or a thousand times worse.
This is making me feel differently about a lot of things. I’m not sure whether or not moving will be a good idea at this point – although C was a little happy about where we would be living, she wasn’t thrilled that we wouldn’t be an hour away anymore. If any of you reading this are involved in an open adoption, I’d like to know what you think…
Should I feel guilty that we’re moving away?
Should any of our family have a bearing on where we live? If we move, we’d be a shorter drive away from my side of the family, but that’s merely a coincidence; we didn’t pick this place with that in mind.
How the fsck am I going to tell School Girl about this? She knows him – in fact, she knows him pretty well, as they’ve visited with us since she was a baby.
Well, it’s now Saturday, and we gave School Girl the bad news yesterday. Aside from the need to have me cuddle her last night before she could sleep, she took it surprisingly well. I think things would have been worse if it were C; she talks with her more often on the phone, and when we’ve visited they’ve always spent much more time together than she ever did with J.
I told my parents yesterday. They asked if we were going to the funeral. Nobody mentioned anything about even having one; if there is a funeral, I doubt highly if we’d be welcome. There are many people in their family, including J’s 92-year-old mother, who have no idea that School Girl even exists. That M was even pregnant. A funeral might not be the right time to have that conversation. So we’ll miss him, but we’ll stay away for now.
Oh goodness… talk about terrible timing. *tight hugs*
I’m glad that SG took things so well, and yeah, the funeral would not have been the right time to complicate things.
As for the move: People here in the US are a lot more mobile than they were even 20 years ago, so just because you move a couple of states over, it doesn’t have to spell the end of relationships, or even friendships (in the case of SG and BFB). It just takes a bit more work and creativity.
She’s never been especially close to him. Not like with C. Tall people with deep voices have always freaked her out, and J was both.
Right now I’m concerned about M, and a little hesitant to call. She’d been doing really well, was getting clean and sober, and enjoying her job when this happened. Just hope she’ll be ok.
We’re still making plans to head out here in Nov. for BFB’s birthday. The only thing that would get in the way is the weather…
*tight hugs*
Ugh, I’m so sorry. And as to if family should play into where you live? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s one of those things that every family has to weigh for themselves. If moving away right now is better for YOUR immediate family, then that matters a whole lot. Taking other family needs (extended by birth or adoption) into account doesn’t mean you have to let their needs dictate your actions — it’s just part of considering the big picture.
We’ve always done that though – Evil Dad’s gone wherever his job takes him, and I’ve always followed along. Now we’ve got somebody else’s needs to consider.
The move would put us at least a day’s drive closer to all of our family except for M and C. And there’s also the fact that we love it here – this area in general.
C did seem to take it okay when I told her. J was a native of the area we’d be moving too, so she seemed happy about that. I’m terrified of talking to M about it now, but I know we’ll have to do it soon.
We live in a small world- brought closer by photographs, phone, face book, email and *gasp* snail mail. You will have visits and letters, etc. if you maintain a relationship. Pure and simple. You can make it work for your child’s sake- regardless of dotted lines on a map. Best of luck to you all!
Oh, I know. But School Girl is a little too young for email, Facebook, Twitter and IMs at the moment; found that out the hard way during a Webkinz session. I’d really like for them to start having time together, even though some people don’t seem all that interested at the moment.
On the other hand, it would be a long day’s drive either back out here or there for visits. And School Girl hasn’t even mentioned that C & M will be as far away as her buddies at school. We’ll see what happens.
((((HUGS))))
(((hugs))) Thank you.