Jun
19
Heather at Production, Not Reproduction posted the second topic for the Open Adoption Roundtable. This is a big one, but appropriate considering the date in the US:
Write about the father(s) in your family’s open adoption(s). Our experiences are too varied to narrow it down to one specific question to answer. But every adoption involves at least one father. Write about his presence or his absence, record a memory or write him a letter. Tell us about the dads and the adoption-related choices they’ve made.
As School Girl would tell you, she has two dads. She has two mums, too, and isn’t afraid to say so with people she knows well, but that’s not the subject of this post.
Her first dad, S, has had a troubled past, to put it politely. His own relationships with both his biological father and stepfather have had a huge impact on him. We’ve met him twice; once when we met School Girl for the first time, and once when we were officially placed with her. Both times he struck me as a heartbroken boy trying desperately to be a “tough-guy” grownup. Originally, he had wanted an open relationship with all of us, as did M – complete with visits, letters and pictures for the foreseeable future. As time went on, it became too much for him; and now unfortunately, visits aren’t possible at all at this time.
But he did give School Girl part of her genetic background, so he is her father.
Evil Dad fell in love with School Girl from the first time he met her. She’s always been a “daddy’s girl”; Daddy has been the one who’s made her feel safe, he’s the one that she begs to hang out with on the weekends – “just the two of us, Daddy.” He reads with her and tucks her into bed at night. This Father’s Day, she’ll be giving him a card she’s made. He would (and has already) move the heavens and earth for her.
He gave School Girl his heart and some of his interests, so he is her father. When she speaks about “Daddy”, for right or wrong, that’s the person she sees in her mind.
S has chosen to allow someone else to raise his child, and not to be an active part of her life at this time. Evil Dad has chosen to raise “somebody else’s child” (yes, from someone we never expected, and I’m still pissed off about it) and is an active, interested, doting father. Those are the choices they’ve made, at least in terms of our adoption.
On Father’s Day, we think and talk about both of them with love and affection. We hope that you have a happy Father’s Day too.
Being a father is a station in life that some one achieves by being parent to a child. A Daddy is someone who works tirelessly to be the best they can be for the simple sake of being part of a child’s life.
Father’s can be forgotten but Daddy’s are for keeps.
*hugs* Not sure that I would agree to the parent part – we tend to separate the mother/father (in the strictest biological sense) and parent (raising a child) with “outsiders”, as in people we don’t know very well (as in not you, Mama!) – but I understand what you mean. That was lovely! Thank you.
*tight hugs*
Can’t think of much to add here, except that i am thrilled that ED is such a good dad.
Me too. It’s the one thing Evil Dad and his brother have in common – they might not be the greatest husbands in the world on any given day, but they’re always really good dads.
ETA: *tight hugs*