Jun
8
As you can see from the sidebar, I’m a member of the Open Adoption Webring. Started by Heather at Production, not Reproduction, it’s for people who are involved in open adoption in any way; adoptive families, “first”/original/birth families, adoptees, etc. Yes, we are an adoptive family, which you might never guess from the huge number of posts concerning adoption lately. Ahem.
Anyway, Heather started the Open Adoption Roundtable yesterday. It’s basically like a carnival, with a topic/question as a writing prompt. This one’s pretty big:
What one thing would you tell your past self about open adoption, if you could? It might be a word of encouragement, a warning, or just an admonishment to lighten up already. Be as creative as you wish.
Well, here goes…
There are a couple of things that came to mind right away. The first one we learned early on, and it’s this: Open adoption is threatening to a lot of people. There are a lot of misconceptions as to what “open adoption” actually means. People, including adoption professionals, will tell you a lot of things. Many of them are not true. Practice the following phrase in a mirror, with as big and happy a smile as you can manage.
“That’s so sweet of you to worry about us. But we’ll be fine. Thanks so much! You’re just so sweet!” As soon as they leave, realize this:
- You aren’t the only one who’s having nonsense shoved into their ears. In your heart, you already know whether or not what you’re hearing is nonsense.
- As long as you’re a parent, there is a choice you’ll have to make between love and fear. Unless there is good reason for concern about a party having access to a child, it’s always better to err on the side of love.
The other thing I would say is…just like in any beginning relationship, you’re dealing with people you don’t know very well. It won’t be all sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. Be prepared to deal. Find a support group, either online or IRL. For many reasons, IRL is usually better, but we don’t always have that available to us. If we had been aware at the outset that things might be shaky over the years, it would have been easier to deal. Or not, but at least our eyes would have been more open.
Incidentally, I have a lot of things to say about the subject of a proactive approach in a social worker’s dealings with birth families, but that’s another rant for another day. Some of you know me well and already know what I have to say – for now, that’ll do.
Last, and most importantly, don’t beat yourself up because your adoption doesn’t look like everybody else’s on The Internets. It won’t. It shouldn’t. First of all, people tend to talk about the happy and shiny on their blogs and leave the messy parts out. You know, like in real life. Second, no one person’s life is the same as anybody else’s – why should adoption be any different?
That’s about it. I wish somebody had said that all to Evil Dad and me when we first started.
After the last paragraph, I now have “Shiny Happy People” earworming me. *L*
*Tightest hugs* Hindsight advice, even when written retrospectively to one’s self, is extraordinarily valuable. To yourself as a keeper of memories, and to others as a way of making better decisions based on the map made by another.
Happy first day of summer!!!
I think you and I’ve talked about the last one before, as in “don’t pay too much attention to Everybody Else’s Adoption Blogs”. It’s a hell of a lot clearer now… *tight hugs* Wish I could have heard that back then.
I could have written so much of this myself.
Thank you for joining in!
Thanks so much for doing this! If you hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have written about this at all.
That is so true about only the shiny, happy parts of open adoption being on the Internet. That’s true on my blog, too, because there really isn’t a good way to write about the messy stuff since we are trying to keep those aspects confidential so that they “belong to” Evie and aren’t public information. I wish there were a way to write about them without having a private blog.
The part about open adoption making people uncomfortable is great, too. As the months go by I find myself with less and less patience for people who make these comments, unfortunately. Thanks for the coaching
A lot of the less shiny, happy parts of our own adoption are up in locked posts for that reason – wanting a bit more privacy. And of course, I don’t write about it all.
Some of that was a reaction, by me, to the distance between what was going on with us (especially in those first couple of years) and all the things that were written about in other people’s blogs; what I should be feeling. How I should be reacting. I think that might deserve another post – we’ll see whether I’m brave enough to lock it or leave it open.
In a host of differing circumstances, i have been close to thwacking people who have tried to tell me how i should be feeling.
*grinds teeth and smiles*
As though we are all striving to be so much like their ever-so-perfect selves… *eyeroll*
It takes something faith-shaking for sanctimonius types like that to be reminded that they aren’t so well-adjusted and perfect after all.
Me… i like us just the way we are. Private stresses, public rants, hug, and all…
*tightest hugs and good morning*
I’d like to think life does that all on its own. I think I’ll leave the rest of this for email – but I think you’ll remember what it’s about.
*tight hugs* Love you – good morning! Somebody’s restless, so we’re out of here for the rest of the morning…
“Unless there is good reason for concern about a party having access to a child, it’s always better to err on the side of love.”
I love love love this.
Thank you. *hugs*